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This is Disorganized Attachment.⁣ ⁣ People find themselves in relationships that are often unsafe or threatening; frequently doing things that set their partner off and vice-versa. They want deep connection, but their strong fear of rejection is masked by their strong emotions and maladaptive behaviors. The world is perceived as unsafe and healthy relationships can feel fake and unfulfilling. Good intentions are perceived with doubt. It is easier to understand people in the context of being bad than good.⁣ ⁣ When children were young, the messages provided by their caregivers were confusing and disorganized. Sometimes parents could have been very loving, other times threatening or abusive (physically, psychologically, emotionally or sexually). The messages were always “come here, go away”. A hallmark of this attachment style is parents who placed children in impossible to win situations... for example “clean the floor”, but then receiving abuse because it wasn’t done the way the parent wanted. ⁣ ⁣ The child never knew what to expect and often felt like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Caregiver was often unpredictable. Not knowing made children disconnect or give up. Often times it was so unbearable to wait for the other shoe to drop, that children learned to set off the parent’s abuse. The anxious apprehension was too much to bear. They needed that calmness after the storm to get some relief.⁣ ⁣ The brain then made the connection that sources of love were sources of fear. This was then translated to intimate relationships. These relationships often start off being very strong and passionate. With the hopes of a new beginning and getting the love they never had. Yet this will wear off and the abuse will start again; especially when rejection is perceived (real or imagined). The adult now repeats the same pattern of “come here, go away”.⁣ ⁣ Healthy relationships feel strange, suspicious and boring. The person cannot trust the good intentions of the other. Happy and positive people raise red flags, since at home healthy connections were then followed by pain and chaos. This is what often drives healthy relationships away.

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Codependency is chronic self-neglect. Before I ever started my healing journey, I told myself that I'd never be in a codependent relationship, and I refused to see any signs of it in myself. In fact, I even thought of myself as fully independent. I thought I knew exactly who I was. Looking back, my self-concept was only a projection of who I truly wanted to be, but wasn't yet. I just wasn't willing to see that yet. I didn't see it til I was in a 3-year codependent relationship that was on the fritz. It fit almost all of the qualities listed in the graphic. That relationship was a mirror showing myself to me, but instead of doing inner work to heal, I was focused on either changing my partner or changing myself enough to where we managed to simply coexist. There was lots of pain in the relationship even within the first 6 months, but instead of taking that as a sign to exit, I ignored it and spent 3 years of my life either trying to repair the relationship or merely avoiding stuff that would make it worse. You might call this "relationship survival mode". Anytime you're in a constant state of survival, it wreaks havoc on mind, body & soul. I want you to know there's no shame in recognizing that you're codependent. In fact, if the shoe fits, just friggin wear it. Admit it and be accepting of it, bring loving consciousness to it. Because it's not your fault that you are. It's a pattern of behavior learned in childhood when our own emotional needs as children were not met, and we played roles to receive love and survive. But just because it's not your fault doesn't give you excuse to avoid taking responsibility for yourself. In fact, doing so is the ONLY way to overcome codependency and heal trauma. In healthy secure partnerships, people do not betray their own needs in exchange for love. They prioritize their needs and desires so they can show up authentically in the relationship ready to give and receive intimacy. When you end the pattern of self-betrayal and heal your trauma, you transmute it into self-love, empowering you to evolve out of codependency. If you want to learn how to heal from self-betrayal, DM me for a free 60-min coaching call.

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The role of empathy in thriving intimate relationships Empathy is a REQUIREMENT for thriving intimate relationships. If you choose a partner who you perceive as above you, and you feel inferior or disempowered in their presence, Then it’s virtually impossible for you to have empathy and compassion for them, Because doing so would feel even more threatening to you (as you shift even MORE of your focus onto their emotions and needs and inner world, which you already feel dominates the relationship). If you choose a partner who you perceive as beneath you, and you find yourself thinking poorly about them, feeling embarrassed by them, or seeing them as sub-par, Then it’s also impossible for you to have empathy for them, As you do not view them as worthy enough for your care. Please choose someone who is your equal - Not above you like a parent or authority figure And not beneath you like a child, So you can cultivate empathy and compassion for each other’s struggles. Tracey #couples #loveenergy #rewireyourbrain #attachmenttheory #selfcareadvice #feminineenergy #femininewisdom #polarity #energypsychology #attachmentstyles #healing #wellbeing #personalgrowth #intimacy #theintimacyshift #couplegoals #relationshipskills #schematherapy #awareness #infinitepossibility #personaldevelopmentjourney #innerwork #lovequotespage #relationshipadvice #inspirational #relationshipcoach #therapistsofinstagram #relationshipcounselling #vulnerabilityissexy #lovecoachforwomen

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When we are emotionally available to ourselves we are emotionally available to others and can witness them. When children are witnessed they get to know themselves and their boundaries and are less likely to STAY involved with people who treat them in a way that doesn’t allow them to continue being true to themselves. • • Notice, I didn’t say anything about not having a happy childhood, so no one needs to feel attacked. I am specifically referring to emotional attunement that a primary caregiver can give. And lots of great parents who are loving are not attuned to themselves... they can’t be attuned to their children either. It’s not a judgment, just a fact. • • You can start working on that today by being attuned to yourself and then you can transfer that skill to your child/children. 💗 • • • • Are you ready to do the work for yourself so that you can give your child the best opportunity to be safe and lead a peaceful life? • • •

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I was interviewed for Authority Magazine’s series on optimizing mental wellness published on @medium. You can find the link on my bio! I would love to read your thoughts!!! 🧘🏻‍♀️

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Why Should You Care About Attachment Theory? Attachment styles can explain why your relationships are they way that they are — they explain how to attach emotionally to others and how your partners attach to you. ⁣ ⁣ These are relationship fundamentals. ⁣ In this video I wanted to cover Attachment Theory FAQs and explain the graph in a little more detail. ⁣ I wanted to go further into attachment styles and how they’re formed specifically and why — also that they’re fairly fluid and why this can be confusing. ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ epicinitiator #relationships #love #attachment #polyvagaltheory #healing #datingstrategy #attachmenttrauma #attachmentstyles #reparenting #trauma #consciousdating #relationshipgoals #codependent #couples #relationshipproblems #codependency #consciouscoupling #loveaddiction #personaldevelopment #personalgrowth #journey #purpose #loveshouldnthurt #trusttheprocess #universe #spiritualawakening #spiritual #soul #change

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🎙Knowing your attachment style is a very important part of your evolution. Many of us don’t know that your upbringing affects your dating life as an adult. Listen to the full podcast as we explain the different attachment styles and the one you must obtain prior to getting into a healthy relationship. #attachmentstyles #attachmenttheory #relationships #parenting #love #loveyourself #knowyourself #ericbigger #biggertalks #aminatodunbaku #biggertalkspodcast

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The more a child feels attached to their mother, the more secure she is in her acceptance of herself and the rest of the world. The more love she gets, the more she will be capable of giving. Treating her gently, with respect to her needs, isn’t coddling or permissiveness, it’s building trust and dependency. Attachment is as central to the developing child as eating and breathing. Meeting a child’s dependency needs is the key to helping that child achieve independence. She will outgrow these needs according to her own unique timetable. This is 5. ❤️ #preschoolwearing #doingourthing #wear #toddlerwearing #kinderpack #attachmentstyles #attachmentparenting #gentleparenting #love #daughter #happiness #happy #fitmom #momlife #mom #familytime #familyfirst #familygoals #beyourself #selfcare #selfie #sorel #sorelboots #sorelstyle #northface #winter #cuddle

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Are you finding yourself caught in obsessions surrounding your ex-partner?⁠ ...⁠ If you answered yes, you are not alone.⁠ ...⁠ Because this is a very common theme with ROCD, leaving individuals confused and wondering what ex-focused obsessions mean about their current relationship.⁠ ...⁠ As with most obsessions, they are a form of avoidance. The ex-focused obsessions in particular usually revolve around part of you that is trying to find an escape.⁠ ...⁠ What might this part be trying escaping from though?⁠ ...⁠ It's an escape from being seen. ROCD usually develops when your partner has two feet in. When you sense that your partner is committed to staying in the relationship.⁠ ...⁠ This is scary for those with an insecure attachment style because to have a partner with two feet in means that you are eventually going to have to open up in a way that you haven't in the past.⁠ ...⁠ You were likely never given the chance to express your true authentic self. Your thoughts, dreams, frustrations, hurts.⁠ ...⁠ These expressions were likely shamed in the past. You learned that being YOU wasn't acceptable so you desperately avoid. ⁠ ...⁠ Hense the draw to an ex or even potentially a new partner where you wouldn't have to open up so much!⁠ ...⁠ The only way out is through the painful experience of opening up and being seen!⁠ ...⁠ Give me a thumbs up if you enjoyed this post!⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ #relationshipocd #relationshipobsessivecompulsive #relationshipanxiety #anxiety #mentalhealth #ocd #obsessivecompulsive #rocd #love #couples #intimacy #attachmentstyles #relationshipobsessivecompulsivedisorder #marriage #engagement #hocd #obsessivecompulsivedisorder #pocd #hocd #healthanxiety #postpartumanxiety #anxietyreducer #anxietycure #generalizedanxietydisorder #ocdawareness #ocdmemes #ocdrecovery #intrusivethoughts #anxietyattacks

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We will all suffer at one or many points in our human lives, BUT…⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ We were also built with resilience and the capacity to integrate and heal.💓⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Mindful awareness (or awakening) can help us connect to our suffering with loving kindness and humility.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ This allows for growth and healing so we can move forward, whether in suffering or in joy, with ease and grace.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ In times of suffering it can feel like life is happening TO you and not FOR you.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ If you struggle with depression and/or anxiety, it can be helpful to shift the perspective to one of gentle curiosity and ask yourself these two questions:⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ 1️⃣“What am I supposed to learn from this?”⁣⠀ 2️⃣”What is my body trying to tell me?”⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Learning to navigate life’s challenges and help yourself takes a huge amount of courage and determination, but at the other end we often learn more about who we are and identify what “being in alignment” means to us.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ No one knows you better than yourself—and no one can solve your problems for you—BUT…⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ You are never alone.💜⠀ ⁣⠀ By committing to the belief that you are worthy of an existence full of joy (we ALL are!) you can find the power to help yourself in your moments of greatest hardship.⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ Our struggles serve to make us stronger and can be a catalyst for growth and transformation.🦋⁣⠀ ⁣⠀ You CAN do this!💪 And we’re here to help.

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If only one person is vulnerable, and the other person sits on the sidelines, genuine connection can’t happen. Vulnerability has to be two-sided in order for relationships to deepen. Some of us are good sharers. Some of us are good listeners. And some of us can delicately balance the art of sharing and listening that leads to beautiful connections. . . We may have grown up in an environment where we were encouraged to “perform” or perhaps were praised for being a “quiet” child. Some of those childhood roles can actually prevent us from genuinely connecting once we enter adult relationships. We want to cultivate the skills to become good at offering vulnerability and to also become good receivers of it. We want to be able to hear our partner’s vulnerability and to be able to meet them with our own. . . That’s why I don’t suggest to continue being vulnerable with people that don’t respond with their own. It becomes a very unbalanced dynamic. But what we can absolutely do in those moments is be a loving invitation for it and see how it is responded to. . . Here are some suggestions: In the earlier dating: “I’ve shared some personal things with you. I’d really love to know a little more about you if you’re willing to share.” . . During a long-term relationship: “I’ve been a bit more vulnerable with you lately. I’m really enjoying it and it makes me feel closer to you. It would be wonderful if you’d share some of your inner process with me .. like what you’re thinking and feeling. I know that might feel strange for you .. but it would mean a lot to me.” . . We can sometimes shift the dynamic of vulnerability if we have a willing participant. We can share what we need to feel connected without shaming our partner. Sometimes our partner doesn’t realize they aren’t sharing and really does want to feel closer. . . And if we are the sharers, we need to make enough space for someone to give us parts of their inner world without taking over. If we are the one who tends to be on the sidelines of vulnerability, we don’t need to always wait for an invitation. Sometimes we need to dive in on our own and trust that we’ll know if we’re not welcome. #coachingwithsilvy

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There are a tonne of myths around #settingboundaries. Some of these myths are self-explanatory and there' already been alot written about them. Ill explain a few of the lesser known ones.. ‍ I am going to start with number 9 which is the biggest: that boundaries are all about saying no. ‍ They're not. At least not for everybody ‍ Number 9 is for the #peoplepleaser. Their first step is to learn to say no AND be assured they wont lost people (aka 1) ‍ Number 5 is another interesting one as people of a religious faith tend to feel that boundaries mean they are being disobedient to God. They feel that they are being unkind, selfish and less than charitable. Yet, its the converse that's true, you are more kind, more selfless and more charitable when you protect yourself. ‍ Finally. Number 8. #Boundaries are permanent. Boundaries are fixed.They're not. They change. they evolve as you evolve, as you change, as your relationships shift. It also links to the difference between reactive and proactive boundaries (check out other post) [ #growthmindset🌱] ‍ So boundaries are good, healthy, ways to say yes, obedient, powerful, compassionate, kind, generous. Do #Boundaries. #setboundaries ‍ Rooting for you, ‍ Shabana xx #BeYourOwnRoleModel P.S I have been overwhelmed and humbled beyond belief by DMS's for LIVE coaching course for #avoidantattachment and I am now opening the doors on 3rd Jan and ONLY taking expressions of interest at mo. DM your email to be added to the list Xx Thank you so much..such a privilege ❤️xx ‍ ***************** #boundariesarebeautiful #beyondboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #setboundaries #traumabond #attachmentissues #dismissiveavoidant #fearfulavoidant #peoplepleasernomore #peoplepleasers #peoplepleaserproblems #codependencycure #deflection #codependencyrecovery #consciouslove #consciousrelationships #codependent #codependentnomore #attachmentstyles #attachmenttheory #attachmenttrauma #attachmentwounds

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Reposting from @seerutkchawla cause this topic has been coming up for me & many friends. We tend to re-enact unresolved childhood relational scripts in our partnerships. Interrupting the patterns requires intentional observation, tuning into yourself, and resisting the urge to pursue romantic connections that feel “intense”... it’s difficult to explain unless you’ve experienced a toxic relationship and/or begun to develop some insight into how history may be playing out in present-day relationships. For me, dating apps have been a fun playground and great tool for practicing showing up authentically, noticing when something feels “off”, practicing healthy boundaries and communication, and ending/releasing connections that don’t feel quite right. Old me didn’t even notice red-flag behavior 🚩(I was so used to ignoring it)... new me knows what green flag treatment looks and feels like (a sense of ease and emotional safety and openness arises naturally) and I’ve learned to unapologetically abort a connection at the first sign of red-flags. Your gut/intuition always knows wassup, if you trust it and respond accordingly. Regardless of your relationship status, learning about attachment styles and paying attention to how your attachment style shows up in significant relationships can be really helpful for strengthening self-awareness and improving the quality of your connections. 💗 Go follow @seerutkchawla cause her content is 💯 #relationaltrauma #toxicrelationshiprecovery #attachmentstyles #attachmenttheory #consciousrelationships #consciousdating

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Dating is hard enough, let alone when you’re healing from trauma. Relational or complex trauma, can leave scars in how you feel about people, how safe you feel, and how you will react interpersonally.⁣ ⁣ A great framework to understand your reactions is attachment theory. If you can identify your own attachment style, you are able to identify why you respond the way you do. This is also useful in making a tentative identification about the person you’re dating. If you see signs of an attachment style that wouldn’t work for you, don’t ignore it.⁣ ⁣ Most of us healing from complex trauma either struggle to identify red flags, or are practised in ignoring them. Neither of these suggest a flaw with you, they make perfect sense considering your history. When you do see ‘red flag behaviour’, let this be an opportunity in choosing yourself over choosing attachment.⁣ ⁣ If you are early in your healing journey be circumspect when you encounter someone you feel super attracted to. It’s possible that this attraction is because you have sensed something familiar to your past.⁣ ⁣ Pay attention to how your body (nervous system) responds to them, do you feel activated and nervous? Shy and frozen? Fawning or performative? All of these are nervous system responses to threat, so either they are not the right person for you, or something in you is being triggered. Either way, please don’t ignore it.⁣ ⁣ ‘Bad love’ is retraumatising and painful. Bad love is not better than no love. If this is useful, and you’d like more content like this let me know in the comments. #inthetrencheswithyou

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Today I talk about how being attached to something can make you do crazy things to get it. With wanting validation being at the root of it, our attachments drive our habits subconsciously and it takes a deep assessment of our behaviors to understand what we have an attachment to. #mahinag #consciousliving #leadyourselffirst #gratitudeattitude #attachmentstyles #attachmentparenting #detachwithlove #releasetheattachment #letitgo #behavioraleconomics #subconsciouspatterns #habitsthathurt #learntoletgo #squarepegroundhole #growoutofit #selfacceptanceiskey #validateyourself #acceptyourselfloveyourself #practicepractice

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Tag yourself or an anxious friend. 🙃 I still think dating with our attachment style out front is a pretty brilliant idea. 😂⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Okay, so the anxious types — these are the empaths, healers, highly-sensitives, social-justice people. They feel deeply. They feel everything. And they are the most at-risk for entering into codependent relationships because they generally did not have a strong sense of self-love, self-regulation and self-esteem modeled for them. They can be constantly seeking for security outside of themselves, but this gets tiring for them.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ They are finely tuned to abandonment signals. They can be deep lovers, fighters for truth, commitment and loyalty. They will make the changes necessary, they are the majority of those doing the healing work because they are usually in a *fair* amount of pain around relationships.⁣ *understatement*⁣ ⁣⁣ Anxious-types don’t feel super secure, they can experience moments of crippling free-fall anxiety where they feel like their partner is the last person on earth and that they must make it work. This can lead to self-abandonment and over-giving, issues with boundaries, the works. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ When they can’t get in touch with their primary attachment figure (lover, partner) they can go to catastrophic thoughts and spiral quickly. They can think 1) they’re dead 2) something bad happened 3) they’re cheating 4) they don’t love me anymore 5) they’ll never talk to me again.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Self-soothing is the most important skillset for the anxious type to learn (because they’re already good at reaching out, but they start to feel a sense of shame around it because their friends sometimes get tired of talking them down off the ledges). What they need to explore is emotionally self-regulating. Checking in with those anxiety thoughts and asking is that true? Are those the only things that could be happening?⁣ Learning to live their own lives and to yes, learn to be “selfish” will be important.⁣ ⁣⁣ Once an anxious type learns self-soothing, they are well on their way to becoming a super loving, compassionate and kind, secure partner.⁣⁣ ⁣ Much love to you anxious attachment styles. ⁣ ⁣ Xoxo,⁣ Angela ⁣ @epicinitiator

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Back at group therapy.... Thank God!🤪 I wanted to talk about the fight i had with hubby.... And I’m glad I did! It’s hard to write everything down in an Instagram post and some of it I need to process in my head for a while.... But it all boils down to 1) I need to realise that my husband is more avoidant then I thought and I need to understand that I have learnt so much this past year that he has no clue about. 2) I need to stop fighting! It’s not that we fight often but I need to try and not engage when we get into those situations. This is the part that I - think - I understand but I don’t know how to describe it.... But it is hard to fight with someone who doesn’t fight back. And it is power in not letting yourself get engaged in a fight. You can still be determined and hold boundaries and not have people walk all over you.... Seems like a huge task to accomplish but I feel that every step in the right direction will help me in my way of dealing with relationships. #attachementtheory #avoidant #attachment #psychology #avoidantattachment #secureattachment #anxiousambivalent #anxiousattachment #intimacy #attachmentstyles #avoidantbehaviour #anxiousambivalentattachment #fearfulavoidant #emotionalneglect #selfcompassion #love #relationships #friendships #healing #emotionalhealing #emotionalneglect #mindfulness #selftalk #dissociation #dissociating

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