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The earth around me is breaking apart- cracks appear all around me, and soon I’ll have to make my next move- do I stay where I am on familiar ground, or do I jump over one of the cracks and see where it will take me? Here, where I am, I know the lay of the land. I know what the earth feels like underneath my feet. I know every tree, the bends in every river and I’ve climbed every mountain. I’m equally familiar with every demon my home hides. These demons taunt me in my dreams and throughout the day as well. They’ve made life, at times, completely unbearable and have kept me from all the things I want most in life. They’ve held a blindfold to my eyes so I couldn’t see my values, and their hands over my ears so I couldn’t fully take on the advice I’ve been given. They whisper in my ear how useless I am, how I’ll never amount to anything, how no one loves me and how they’re the only constant in my life; the one thing I can always turn to when things feel impossible. If I take a flying leap and I land on the other side, who knows what awaits me? Perhaps there are demons there too- maybe demons that scream at me louder and blindfold me longer. That is a very real possibility, but what also awaits me on the other side are opportunities. Here, my values are easy to see, and I’m free to listen to and take on any help I am given. Here, I can become what I want to be and do what I want to do; things that felt impossible back on that familiar ground. I know this side won’t be entirely free from demons- nowhere ever is. But, what if these demons aren’t as strong, and don’t try as hard to sabotage me? It’s a strange thought that I might miss those demons, but they’ve kept me comfortable and “safe” for the longest time. Those demons will always be there, so if things feel too overwhelming, they’re just a leap away. Soon enough, this new place will become as familiar as where I used to live. The trees won’t appear so scary, the river bends will become a place of salvation and climbing the mountains will get easier and easier, until one day, I reach the top, and stop and take stock of the beautiful views surrounding me.

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Rest of the day: I drank this carbonated water beverage thing (it was sugar free) ad let me tell you that I definitely won’t be doing that again. First I don’t really like the fizz in these types of drinks and also it was wayyy too sweet. Idk my stomach started hurting after drinking it. It was a good experiment though 😂. I also snacked on more strawberries which made me feel guilty and I felt so ughh 😟 . Dinner: Like I said I was feeling kinda yucky and I didn’t have much of an appetite so I only had an egg white with spinach with a side of watermelon 🍉. I just really wanted to cry all day and then I felt worse about my body 😔. I really don’t want to restrict but I’m afraid. Since I’m not a low weight, I sometimes think I’m not thin enough to need recovery. I mean if I gain weight I would be overweight😖😖. I don’t want to be there again. 😟 . . #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexiaproblems #edwarrior

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Cory is usually the one that takes Bubba to his hockey practices on week nights. I typically stay home with the little boys so that they can get in bed on time {the two times we’ve taken them haven’t gone too well since his practice is so late}. But today Cory asked if I would take him because his commute home was rough and he’s just plain worn out from work the past few days. Without hesitation I told him that I didn’t mind at all, and when I broke the news to Bubba he was pretty excited. No he’s not my biological son. No I didn’t give birth to him. No I wasn’t there the first 4 1/2 years of his life. But that doesn’t mean I look at him or treat him any different than my “own.” Cory and I are parents to 3 boys. Period. As soon as I said “I do,” to him, I officially became a stepmom and we officially became parents together. And although we only have Bubba half of the time, we still parent him the same way we do the two younger boys—TOGETHER. There was NO WAY I would’ve told Cory, “Sorry babe, he’s yours so you’ll have to take him even though your tired AF.” No way. I don’t see any good coming from that. I know every situation is different but for US, we tag team it up and work together to raise our boys—all THREE of them. Don’t get it twisted and think this stepmomming thing is always easy and rainbows + butterflies. It’s not. But I feel like Cory makes it easier and I’ve found my groove with it. So tonight as I watch Bubba from the stands, scarfing down my supper, I’m reminded of how grateful I am for the place my marriage is at right now and for the relationship that I have with my stepson. From what I’ve read and heard from others, we are something special and I don’t take that for granted💞

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Why can I not sleep.... I've not been this bad in months! Well off to my room to watch a film in the hope I'll just crash #nosleep #bpd #bpdwarrior #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #anawarrior #edwarrior #anarecovery #edrecovery #strongnotskinny #cantsleep #anxiety #anxiousmind

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Bedtime meal/snack, whatever you wanna call it! Today was a hectic day for sure, but always gotta make time to eat!!! As you can tell oatmeal is one of my favorite foods ever, and bananas!! ED recovery has actually made me realize that I do have favorite foods haha! How weird is that??? Some of my other favorites are: peanut butter, blueberries (inside of things specifically), and I’m sure the list will keep growing lol! But what’s strangest to me is that some of my favorite things were actually fear foods for a long time. It’s funny how EDs take the joy out of eating. Today made me realize how much I love food when I had to scarf down a lot of my meals because I was so busy. It’s so weird how food is becoming more of a friend than an enemy. But man do I love this blossoming friendship 🥰 #oatmeal #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #yummy #oats #snack #food #full #edwarrior #edfighter #chiaseeds #healthyfood #feedyourbody #foodisfuel #foodismedicine

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So today I thought I'd talk about some of the realities of Binge Eating Disorder. This does not speak for everyone, but it has been my personal experience. This disorder is so much more than just "eating more than normal" it's eating to hide your emotions, eating because it will give you a momentary numbness to everything. Eating more does not give me a "high", rather it blocks out everything I feel at the moment because all I am doing is putting as much food in my mouth as I can. It's a painful thing—its ruined friendships, my relationship with food completely, how I look at things, my relationship with my parents...(TW NUMBERS) Binge Eating has caused me to gain 45+lbs in two months begining August, and it has brought me to now have pain when I do some things, awful body image, and no clothes to wear and looks from people. I had to delete all my old photos of myself because I couldn't see myself at old weights because I would break down crying. I am now trying to get over the loss of control I have with food and gain back that control, but I have found that I rather went to mindless eating, which hasn't really helped... although this, my dietician has told me that getting over BED is a process. I might be overeating still now, but it is a step closer to a more balanced view with food. I was told to limit to portion sizes and only go for more if I want and it has definitely been helpful to have more rules, as before I would just eat out of the jar or box of anything. Getting a portion and putting the box away helps and while I still don't feel like myself I have been told that I am on my way to being back where I am comfortable and back where I don't have to cry anymore. #edfighter #edrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #bedrecovery #bingeeatingdisoder #binging #bingeeatingrecovery #bingeeatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeating #bingeeatinghelp #overeatingrecovery #mindlesseating #edwarrior #bingerecovery #overeating #recovery #eatingdisorderawareness #bedawareness #bingeeatingdisorderawareness #recoveryispossible #boba

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The truth. Anorexia has given me nothing and yet I hold on to it. I’m more afraid of somethingness than the nothingness I’m used to. But I will not let fear stop me. I deserve more, and so do you. #anafighter #fuckanorexia #anorexiarecovery #anawarrior #edwarrior #eatingdisorder #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery

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Update time (tw) ! I have signed self discharge papers....i have to stay for 72 hrs tho because of insurance or else I’ll have to pay for the time I stayed here. But I’m nervous cause my mom said I can’t come home and I can’t go to my grandmas/dads.i haven’t been eating or drinking much and they took my tube out as well. I was sent to the ER on Sunday to get an IV cause of me not eating or drinking.Things have been rough tho,I lost two support people that I really trusted,I have no motivation I tried eating but I couldn’t even get myself to chew. The people here,nurses,my doctor and the other staff don’t think I’ll make it if I leave. One of them told me if I sign them I’m gonna die. And than I overheard my doctor saying “I don’t know what to do with her”...and early my heart was 103 and jumped to 159...and my nurse was like this makes me sad...ur heart is dying. And I’m just like welp , idk how to feel about any of this.

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A SMASHING SOUP N SARNIE COMBO 🍜 💯 to show Ana who’s Slaying ⚡️ Dinner was. Chicken Tikka Sandwich 🥪 and Chicken Soup Meaning 600g (WHOLE POT) Glorious Tuscan Chicken Tomato and Grains Soup and a Sandwich off 120g Tikka Chicken Slices and 10g Flora Light in 2 Slices Brown Bread plus Spinach ‼️ this is literally my favourite dinner as it something a bit different and although it’s really challenging and probably the most scary thing of the menu this week 😢 because it feels very excessive have Doug and a sandwich even though logically I know that’s the normal thing to have both it just feels so wrong to eat the whole pot as the serving size is only for half the pot I know that’s what I need to make up a calories as I was already a bit short on my intake so was determined and told myself I’m sticking to it and I needed a nice warming meal even though in IP we would only have one or the other it’s not too much and I have to trust is the right amount 💪 this is the best soup ever really sweet rich tomato flavour with plenty of chance of juicy chicken the grains make it nice and thick and add a nice nothing flavour and there’s also lots of edge making it feel really nutritious… And I absolutely love chicken tikka and a sandwich sounds weird but there spicy is so nicely with the creamy flora yum Had a bit of a nightmare with the bread-was planning on u the fresh loaf but realised the old bread in the fridge was actually fine but it was a lot thicker so I went through the whole new loaf finding the smallest slices by had the dilemma the old slices for the new ones there is literally a battle going on in my head so used one old slice and one new one 😑 still a win is this takes me over my safe number of calories for my dinner which is kind of ehh it’s so challenging ‼️ rationally I knew I needed it and I was determined to hit my calorie goal I have realised that if using your brain adequately really enables you to think straight and see the rational thought So I’m determined to keep going with it now i can distinguish betweenED and my own thoughts and to become stronger and ignore the manipulative voices A Warming Winter Winner for Dinner😍

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Today, I will talk about what a cheat day is and why I do not agree with them.

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~ 12.11.19 ~⠀ ⠀ Food has been pretty unappetizing as of late and I'm not really sure how to go about changing that...⠀ ⠀ I redeemed my birthday coupon from Panera today though! Got a pecan braid for myself and a bearclaw for mom 🥰 We're gonna share them tomorrow for breakfast 😊 ⠀ ⠀ Went to the mall today, trying to exchange a coat, only to find out that the store isn't there anymore 😅 This week has been something else smh 😂⠀ ⠀ ⠀ Meals:⠀ ⠀ sm sweet tea and pretzel bites (shared with mom) ⠀ ⠀ baja chicken grain bowl and bread(wasn't my taste, unfortunately, so I didn't eat much of it. Ate the bread though)⠀ ⠀ popcorn ⠀ ⠀ yogurt toast w raspberries and nutella⠀ ⠀ an apple and a few peanuts ⠀

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✩ 11.12.19 // today i am grateful for my dietitian. i can’t believe i am actually happy with my weight gain! it was not that much & i will have to gain way more, but i needed that minimum amount to be able to go to my graduation sunday. it is not easy to deal with, i can’t say that every part of me is glad & proud about the number on the scale going up. there is this voice telling me to hide food & exercise more, saying i don’t need to rest or eat what my family tells me to. but i am SO proud for finally gaining something, there is a big possibility for me to not go to school next year & i am so scared. i don’t want to lose the new year, i don’t want to miss college. i will put everything into recovery now. i know i said it before, but i really can’t lose next year to anorexia. i won’t. this shit is a roller coaster & the part that goes down really messes with me, but i will not give up. i will do the opposite every time anorexia tries to control one choice of mine. i will fucking beat this. #anarecovery #edwarrior #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #anorexiafighter #recoverywin #recoveryaccount #anarecovery #fuckana #edrecovery #fdoe

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Great workout tonight, featured: plate twist, dumbbell Romanian deadlift & barbell glute bridge.

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•12.11.19• I want to talk about something that I've really been thinking about recently. Ed misconceptions. I remember when I was in denial of my ed, it would pick the most absurd excuses for why I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder based on common misconceptions. "My hair isn't falling out so I can't have an ed", "I still have my period, so an ed is impossible", "I'm not fasting, so it's not anorexia", "I'm not bedridden, so I'm fine". I used to tell myself these things all of the time, trying desperately to avoid the truth. I wasted away, steadily cutting more and more from my diet until I was barely eating anything at all. I assumed that you HAD to have these symptoms to have an eating disorder. Obviously that is a lie. The misconceptions surrounding eating disorders truly are dangerous, not just for those on the outside looking in, but to those going through it themselves. I clung to these untruths in order to keep myself in a disordered world. It took incredible mental and even physical strength to get over those thoughts and come face to face with the truth. Eating disorders take many forms, and a set of symptoms in one person may be completely different from someone else's. That doesn't make one person "sicker" than another, nor does it discredit one person's disease as compared to another's. It just shows that this viscous disorder can morph and change based on its environment. By diagnosing ed's based on a rigid set of symptoms, many who exhibit abnormal symptoms may be overlooked and put in danger. It truly is something that needs to be addressed ASAP. ------ 🍽 Today's Menu 🍽 •breakfast: pumpkin oats with coconut granola •morning snack: greek yogurt and a pear •lunch: pancakes with berry compote •afternoon snack: carrots and hummus •dinner: turkey burger with ancient grains •dessert: TBA #anorexiarecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #edrecovery #edwarrior #anorexiawarrior #edfighter #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexiafighter #beatinganorexia #recoverywarrior #fearfood #edfam #iamnot1in5 #positivevibesonly #yougotthis #staystrong #ipreview via @preview.app

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Today I burn my toast and I first was upset, but u stopped for a minute and realize who dummy I was and start laughing 😂 food doesn't need to be perfect, food is just food #edrecovery #edwarrior #anaroxiarecovery #fearfood #ed #fight #mentalhealth #anorexiawarrior #eattobeatit #fuckyouana #freedom #recovery #bestrong #snack #oppositeactions #feelshittyanddoitanyway #challengrepeat

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