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My mum bought a journal to write the things she’s grateful for. I opened it while she was getting groceries. I read it. I’ve always loved her positivity about life. She writes about all the great things in her life and I feel happy knowing she is content with her life. I read about her work friends and learn that thanksgiving is her favorite holiday because it’s all about family. She has written all positive things until the last sentence that reads, “But I miss my children.” And I start to think about my life in Paris. What kind of child doesn’t see her mother for a year? Our neighbor stands on his porch wearing a Santa suit smoking a cigarette. The air is so cold you can’t tell if people are smoking or breathing. But I miss my mother. But I have my own life in a city far away now. But my mother misses her children. But I have a bartender that knows my name. But I miss my mother. But I have a favorite coffee shop. But my mother misses her children..

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Tonight I took my first breath in over a year. Tonight was the night I let my hair Tangle and the cold, foggy air consume me. It now gets dark at 4 pm in the world. This leads me in a hot bath, in the dark bathroom. Sounds of a home I once knew replace some of my thoughts. A harsh contrast between dewy fog on my cheeks and now slow drips of sweat down my hunched back. Tonight I took my first bath in over a year. In a place that was never mine and never will be. She has taken over most of the things we used to own. On the shelves are pictures framed of her kids and books about vaccinations that will kill me. Her hair seems like it’s balding. Do women bald? I feel the palpable tension in the room as we exchange civilities and slowly dance around each other leaving just enough space. Beads of sweat have gathered on top of my head and make my head itch. The water has no bubbles. I think that’s ok. The water is lifeless and thinly spreads out over my skin like liquid glass. Leaving it coated with more sweat. What’s it feel like to come home? Most of them ask. My dad introduces me and says I’m from Paris. No, I’m from here, I live in Paris. People tell me all the things they love about the city they have once, maybe twice visited. I love ruining their dreams. I love telling them about the crowdedness of street corners and how The smell of urine is quite normal. How the stress of a big city is actually very stressful and I start to wonder if That’s why I have back problems now.

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Excuses.

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